The Fast and the Clowniest
Chapter 1 - Clown Hell It was late September. It was a bit cloudy out, and the sun was setting. There were orange and yellow leaves all over the ground, and of course, people were preparing for Halloween. I was taking a stroll down the sidewalk, on my way to home. I work at a small restaurant, and its not that far from my house. So I normally just walk there. And besides, the exercise from walking is good for my health. There was a house coming up. As I got closer to it, I could see that it had a lot of Halloween decorations. It was mainly clown-themed. There was even a person dressed up as a clown setting up even more decorations on the porch. As I walked by the house, I heard a voice call for me. "Hey, mind helping a clown out?" I turned around, and I said "Sure." As I got to the porch, I asked "What do you need help with?" "It's something inside. Follow me." the clown explained. Inside? I'm not so sure about this. "Actually, I have to get going." I told the clown. The clown came closer to me, and said "No, no, no! Please! I really need your help!" the clown begged. I stood there for a moment, not knowing what to say. "Come on. Don't be scared of clowns. I won't hurt you." the clown explained. The clown walked in the house, and signaled me to follow him. And so I did. I cautiously stepped in. The clown looked from behind him. "Come on! Down here!" he pointed to steps leading downwards. I started to slowly back out. I wasn't comfortable with this. That's when the clown whistled. I gave a confused look, then someone tackled me from behind. More people came to me, and started tying me up with ropes. One of them shoved a pill in my mouth, and then they poured water down my mouth, forcing me to swallow it. Within minutes, I passed out. I woke up, and I was dangling from the ceiling in a dimly lit room. I think its the basement. I was surrounded by clowns. They were all laughing at me, holding baseball bats. "All right! Who wants to go first?" a yellow clown announced. A blue clown jumped up and down, shaking his hand in the air. They put a blindfold over him. Oh no. I think I know where this is going. "I hope I get some bloody teeth! Mmm... my favorite!" the blue clown laughed. I began to scream, as the blue clown was recklessly swinging the bat, coming closer towards me with each swing and step. This is how its going to end. It really is. I closed my eyes, and started screaming some more. "STOP!" a voice called from upstairs. "Huh?" I heard the clowns mutter. I opened my eyes. A red clown pushed the other clowns down, and shot them with a fake gun. The clowns got on the ground to avoid "fire". The red clown approached me and untied me, setting me free. I ran up the stairs. But before I went out the door, I took one last peak. The other clowns were pinning the red clown down to the floor, strangling him. I must save him, because he saved me. I must return the favor. But how? I dialed 911, and looked around the room for something to use against the clowns. A knife? Too risky. Oh cool, a chainsaw, I'll use that. I picked up the chainsaw, and ran down the stairs with it. The clowns stopped what they were doing, and fled to the other side the room. The red clown got up, and ran up the stairs. The other clowns pulled out knifes, and charged at me despite me having a chainsaw. I got scared, dropped the chainsaw, and ran up the stairs. I did all this while calling the police. I ran outside the house, and saw the red clown hop in a very small polka-dot clown car. He gave me the signal to get in with him, and I did. I hopped in the back seat. "Hold on to your ass!" the red clown exclaimed as he backed out the driveway. There appeared to be no seat belts in this car, so I was bouncing all over the place, flipping and flopping like a fish. The car took off full force. I had now idea where we were headed. I looked in the rear-view mirror, and saw that a black van was following us. "Shit!" the red clown exclaimed. Behind them were also cop cars following. This is going to get very ugly. Chapter 2 - Mad Clowns Moments later, the police cars pulled them over. I sighed out of relief. "What's going on?" I chocked. "Hang on! We're not done yet!" Spoke the red clown. I looked behind me, and saw three cop cars following us. The red clown floured on the gas peddle, and we went zooming. It felt like I was on the world's most dangerous roller coaster. "Oh shit!" the red clown shouted. I looked behind me, and saw the black van. A clown was leaning out of it with a machine gun, shooting the cop cars. The cop cars sniffled off the road, and crashed into houses. "Hang on! It's flyin' time!" the red clown shouted. He pulled a red lever, and the car went even faster. The engine's roar sounded like that of a plane. My heart was beating out of my chest, as the clowns in the black van behind us were shooting at us, all while we were trying to dodge traffic. And I still don't know what's going on. "What are we going to do?" I yelled over the sound of the engine and the countless gun fire. "You might want to lay on the floor. This is gonna krazy!" he shouted. I drove into the mall parking lot. The mall is completely covered in class, and he was driving towards it. Oh no... is he? OH NO! The car crashed though the class, and we were driving high speed through the wall. The black van was still following us! We tried our best to avoid running over people. But the clowns in the black van kept firing, so some people might I have died. We turned through a long way, and speeded down an escalator. Very bumpy. I looked behind us, and saw the black van still following us. They were on the upper floor still, and they tried going down the escalator. However, the van was way too big to fit down it, so they ended slipping off, and crashing into a clothing shop. Yes! We did it! We still kept zooming through the mall though. We turned to the very back of the mall, and zoomed out the back way. There's a huge forest behind the mall, and it appeared that's where we were headed. The clown car drove through a path in the forest, and we were now in a river. He parked the car on the side of a waterfall. We took a minute to breath. "What's going on?" I said out of breath. "No questions now. We need to go hide!" he shouted. We both got out of the car. The red clown ran into the dense forest, and I followed him from behind. Chapter 3 - Clown Intermission 1 hour goes by. It's completely dark out. We were running the whole hour. My legs felt like jello, and I was exhausted. We were now in a meadow just outside of the large forest. "It's over there!" the red clown pointed to a beat-up looking shack. We ran to it, and hid in it. We sat on a stack of hay. That's when he started to explain everything. "It all started about a month ago. Me and some friends got together to form a 'clown cult.' It was meant to be a harmless cult to falsely scare people. We didn't plan on hurting anyone. Well, at least I didn't. My friends got way too deep into the whole scary clown thing. One night, I woke up to see one of my friends dressed up as a clown sliding a body bag on the ground. I thought it was fake. I went outside, and discovered that the body was real. My friends held me hostage, and kept me as a prisoner. They watched my every move. They forced me to dress up as a clown 24/7. It was horrible. Now they're trying to start negotiations with this new terrorist group called Clowns Want War." I was speechless to say the least. "So... what are we going to do?" I asked. "Nothing right now. We'll just have to stay here for the time being." he explained. "Do you think your friends died when they crashed their van?" I asked once more. "I hope so. But I'm not holding my breath." he answer. "What's your name?" I asked. "Clownner," he simply replied. "You?" he followed up. "Jalul." I answered. "Well, Jalul, its best we get some sleep. I gotta busy day tomorrow." Clowner said to me. "I can't believe I got myself in this mess." I stated. "Yep, me neither. I will try to get you home tomorrow." Clownner said. We laid in the hay, and went to sleep. Chapter 4 - New Day, New Clown, New Chase "Yo, wake up." a voice said to me. I opened my eyes. It was morning. "Yo, we gotta go!" said the voice again. It was Clownner. I rubbed my eyes. "What?" I questioned, still in a sleepy state. "We need to go! I think the cops are coming!" Clownner warned. "What!?" I exclaimed. I jumped up, and was wide awake. "Come on, follow me!" Clownner directed. Me and Clownner ran through the open fields for about a mile. We reached a road in a very rural area. Out of breath, I said "What do we do now?" "Get out of town, that's what." Clownner stated. "What!? I need to get back home! Nor out of town!" I disapproved. "Dude, listen. We're probably all over the news. We can't go home. It would be best if we just went out of town for a while. Okay?" Clownner explained. "I guess." I sighed. Just then, a beat-up car pulled up to us. "Howdy! Ya'll need'a ride somewhare?" asked a red neck blaring country music in his car. Me and Clownner both looked at each other. "What ya' waitin' four? Geet in!" demanded the redneck. Me and Clownner both shrugged, and went in the car. Clownner sat up front, while I sat in the back. We closed the car doors, and went off. "So, whatcha clowns up to?" laughed the red neck. "Um, we need to get out of town. That's what's up." Clownner explained. "Out'a town? You two run'aways or somethin'?" asked the red neck. "No, no, no, no, no. We just need to dropped off the nearest motel, that's all." Clownner explained. "I dunno. You clowns seem awfully suspitious to me..." concerned the red neck. I could tell Clownner was getting nervous, and so was I. Just then, we heard it. WOOOP! WOOP! WOOP! WOOOOP! There was a police car behind us. "Shit." the red neck said under his breath. We pulled over, and waited. "I knew I shouldn't have taken you sketchy clown thugs." the red neck said angrily. Me and Clownner looked at each other with worried looks on our faces. The police approached the left side of the car, and opened the car door. He shoved the red neck out, and started to beat him senseless. That's when me and Clownner realized something. That isn't a cop. That's a clown. The clown dressed up as a cop kept beating the man with a cop-bat until he started to bleed. "What do we do!?" I yelled at Clownner. "We get the fuck out of here!" he screamed, as he went to the driver's side. "What are you doing!?" I asked loudly. The clown was still beating on the man, ignoring us. Also ignoring me was Clownner. He didn't respond to me. But what he did was slam the driver's door, and floured it. Oh no. I better buckle up. We went from 0 to 80 in a second. I looked behind us, and saw the clown cop get in his car, and follow us. "Shit!" I yelled. "He's following us!" I followed up. Clownner looked angry, and was driving recklessly. "Those damn Clown terrorists are taking it too far!" he yelled over the sound of the car going one million miles per hour. I bouncing all over the place in the car, even with my seat-belt on. Up ahead, I saw something. Something that would completely screw us over. A police car sitting there a few feet away. "Fuck." I spouted as we past the police car. You know what happens next. The police car started to follow us, with the obnoxious sound of WOOOP WOOOP!. I turned behind me, and saw the clown cop's police car get next to the real cop's car. The cop looked at him, and the clown drawed out a gun, and shot the cop. The cop lost control of the car, zoomed into the desert, and hit a metal bar that holds a billboard. The impact made the billboard fall over. The clown cop started laughing hysterically, all while getting dangerously close to us. "Go faster!" I yelled to Clownner. "This is as fast as I can go!" he yelled back. The clown's car was next to us now. He laughed in the most evil way possible, and slowly pulled out the revolver. My heart felt like it was going to collapse. That's when Clownner steered the car towards the clown's. Both cars were touching each other, but our car got had the edge. Just before the clown pulled the trigger, we pushed the his car off the road, and into the garden of tiny cacti. Guess he should have been paying attention to the road! Me and Clownner both cheered in happiness. We slowed down the car a little. Then so little to the point it was going under the speed limit. "Dude, what are you doing?" I asked Clownner. "The damn thing is running out of gas!" he exclaimed. "Well shit." I spouted. We pulled over to the side of the road, and walked to find civilization. In the blazing hot desert. Chapter 5 - No Clowns, No Food After walking for about an hour, we found a motel on the side of the desert road. Well, a beat-up dusty looking one with half the sign falling a part. "I hope there's no clowns in there..." I said jokingly. "Yeah, no kidding." responded Clownner. We walked in the motel, and it looked like something from the wild west. Seriously, it looked very old. Everything was made out of decaying wood. We approached the desk, and ringed the bell. While we waited, I said "When are you going to remove that damn clown costume?" to Clownner. "I'm not wearing anything under it, that's why. Also, the white 'make-up' isn't make-up. It's bleach." Clownner explained. "Ohh..." I said awkwardly. An old looking man wearing a cowboy hat walked behind the desk. He stared at both of us, giving us a weird look. "Why do you me look like a piece of shit, and why are you Clownner dressed up as a fuckin' clown?" he asked pointing at us. "It's a long story." Clownner "explained". The man sat in a chair, and kicked his feet up on the table. "So... How can I help you two weirdos?" "We'd like a room -- but we have no money." explained Clownner. The man looked at as both, then laughed. "Sure, sure. I'll let you gay lovers have a room for 10 hours. That way y'all can get your shit together." The man led us to our room. A room with the world's tiniest bed (with a Woody doll laying on it for some reason), a broken window, ants crawling everywhere, and no bathroom. Me and Clownner just kinda looked at each other funny. The man patted us on the back, saying "Enjoy your stay!" "But wait, where's the restroom?" asked Clownner. "Restroom? Heh. What restroom?" laughed the old man. Me and Clownner looked at each other funny once again. "If ya' need to shit, shit in a bucket. Have a good one!" the old man declared as he walked off. I broke the silence. "Well we're shit out of luck." Over the next 10 hours, me and Clownner paced around the room, told funny stories, and corny jokes. We got to know each other a little more. 2 hours in, we we're getting pretty hungry. However, the motel didn't serve any food. We were kicked out at 7PM by the old man, who was the owner of the motel. When we told him about our situation (not the full truth obviously), he offered us dirty tap water in a class for the trip. We were so thirsty, we accept the offer. After that, we were on our way. Since it was fall, night time was fast approaching, and it was getting just a tiny bit cooler. This walk wasn't as painful as the previous. At around 8PM-ish, we noticed that civilization was near, because there was more traffic than usual. We tried hitchhiking, but that didn't go well. We were insulted and flipped off. After more walking on the desert road, we stumbled upon a large bar. It was called "The Tough Mug Pub." We figured we could get some drinks in there, so we approached the front door. I also noticed there were no cars, only motorcycles. Oh man. Before we could open the door, a fat clown walked out and barfed everywhere. He then waddled his way, while trying to keep his pants up. Me and Clownner were shocked. "You sure we're not near a Clown town or something?" I joked. A clown peaked their head out of the door, looked at the pukey ground, then back up to us. "Watch your step! That's clown blood!" he warned. He then screamed, and looked to be dragged away by someone. "I don't think we should be here..." I said through clenched teeth. Then out of nowhere, we were off the ground, being lifted in the air. We tried to squirm free by kicking and yelling, but to no avail. We were thrown into the pub without consent. This is almost as bad as rape! Chapter 6 - Super Clown Bros. We were now face down on the dirty floor. We got up, and we were greeted by obnoxious country music sung in the worst voice possible. Everyone in the pub were beefed up clowns wearing biker jackets. They were drinking senseless, throwing beer bottles across the room, arguing, getting into fights, and laughing away. The thing that caught my attention the most was a wrestling wring on the left side of the pub. There was shirtless overweight clown fighting another shirtless clown, but he wasn't overweight. They were preforming super moves on each other. On the right side of the bar were clowns lining up to ply a game called "Pin The Nose on the Jackass!" where you have to put a clown nose on a John Cena poster. We just stood there at the entrance and gazed at everything. The wrestling match was over. An announcer spoke though the speakers. "Alright! The next match will take an attendy from the crowd to fight one of our macho men! Will they survive? Probably not! Hahahaha!" The clowns started looking around for a few seconds, then they all laid their eyes on us. Oh no. "Get those two pieces of shit into the wring!" yelled a drunk clown. The bar erupted with various "Yeah!!!"s. A giant clowns walked towards us, and picked us up both, carrying us to the wring. Me and Clownner both struggled to escape his tight grasp. It feels like I'm about to get raped! We were both slammed onto the wring. It hurt really bad. The announcer was standing over us. He was a clown wearing one of those game show suits. It's hard to explain, but it was clad and glittered gold. "Look at these two pathetic losers!" the announcer called, followed by "Get your asses up!" We got up. The announcer studied us for a few seconds. He pointed to me, and spoke. "My name's Macho McClown Man, and you look like a dick!" The crowd erupted with laughter. "We'll call you... THE GREAT GONADS!!!" The crowd cheered and whistled. Clown McMan walked over to Clowner. "I'll call you... holy shit you like f*****!" The crowd laughed harder than before. "Okay. We'll call you THE GAY RAINBOW!!!" The crowd cheered some more. McClown Man put the mic up to his mouth. "Are you Clown degenerates ready to see these f****** get their asses handed to them!?" "YEAH!!!!" the crowd erupted. "Alllright. Clownies and gentle-clowns... introducing... THE SUPER CLOWN BROS.!!!!!!!" The crowd just went completely nuts at that point. Two clowns hopped on stage, and started flailing their arms around. It was very odd. The clown on the left wasn't wearing a shirt, but he was wearing dark blue overalls with a red hat, and with a goofy looking mustache. The clown on the right looked pretty much the same, except his hat was green, and his mustache was a bit more curly. They flailed their arms some more, and chest bumped each other. They then went into a fighting stance. "It was nice knowing you however the fuck you pronounce your name." Clownner said to me. "Gee, thanks. You too." I replied back sarcastically. "If these two maggots somehow defeat my boys, they'll win a brand new motorcycle! But that won't ever happen! Hahahaha!" announced Macho McClown Man, which was shortly followed by: "Alllll right! Let the raping of the century begin!" The Clown Brothers started to approach us while flailing their arms super fast. "What do we do?" I panicked to Clownner. "Let's call em' names." He suggested. "What!? Are you retarded?" I replied. "No. But I am a genius." he snarked back. "Hey! You guys call yourselves the Super Clown Brothers, but you should really call yourselves The Boom Boom Brothers!" Clowner roasted. The crowd went "OOOoooooh!!" and the Boom Boom Bros. Clown Brothers stopped flailing their arms like a bunch of jackasses, and stared at each other. They looked back at us, and roared. The both charged at us. Me and Clownner did the only thing we could do. Jump out of the wring. That is, until we were thrown back in by the crowd. "Here take my chair! said a voice from the crowd. A wooden stool was thrown at us. We got up, and I held the chair. The Clown Brothers started to laugh. The red clown put his hands next to his mouth, and shouted "Pu$$y a$$ b1tch!" "Yeah!" said the green clown. They charged at us, until I slammed the wooden stool in the red clown's face. He fell straight to the ground. Except for the green one, he was strangling Clownner. I hopped on top of the bouncy wires and jumped onto the green clown. i started to slap him in the face, then Clownner though in a few bunches, and kicked him in the crotch. "Ohhh looks like The Great Gonads and The Gay Rainbow have the lead!" yelled McClown Man through the speakers. While we were beating the shit out of the green clown, his red brother attacked me from behind. He threw me across the wring. I was now handing on the wring's edge. I have no idea what Clownner's doing, but he better help! I felt my body getting dragged. Then as soon as I know it, I'm being spun around in circles in the air by my feet. Oh shit. I guess he really is Super Mario. Mario The red clown released me and I was flung in the air. I went zooming across the room, and hit the fragile wooden wall. I am now in another room. My fall hurt pretty bad, but I got back on my feet quickly. Poor Clownner, he's going to be spaghetti! I looked around the room (it appeared to be a storage room of some sorts) and saw a brand new shiny motorcycle! I approached it, and saw the keys were in it. My uncle used to take my on motorcycle rides all the time, so maybe I got his. I positioned the motorcycle towards the door. All right. Here it goes. I started up the motorcycle, and put my foot on the pedal. Oh boy. I zoomed out of the room, knocking down the door. I was in the bar area now, where the wring was at. I saw a ramp leading up to the wring. The Clown Bros. were bullying Clownner in the middle of the wring. I got this. I zoomed up on the ramp, and landed on the Clown Bros. with the motorcycle. They were badly inquired. The crowd was pissed! "What in the actual fuck!?" called Clown McMan through the mic. "Let's get the fuck out of here!" I called to Clownner, who was weeping in a corner. He hopped on, and we zoomed out of there, breaking the rubber bands, and running over a bunch of asshole clowns. We were now out in the desert, on our way to town. Chapter 7 - The Clown Finale Me and Clownner both cheered. A few minutes later, there was a motorcycle gang of clowns following us. Shit! A voice yelled from behind "IT'S M-M-M-M-M-MACHO TIME!!!!" Clownner looked behind him, and saw a shirtless McClown Man leading a motorcycle gang of clowns. A clown got right beside us, and got out a knife. Clownner kicked him, and the clown fell off the motorcycle. "YOU PIECE OF SHIT! GIVE ME MY DAMN MOTORCYCLE BACK!" shouted Macho McClown Man. More cars started appearing on the road, so I had to be super careful. I decided to take the safe route, and drive in the desert. The motorcycle clown gang followed along like parasites. Clownner looked behind him once more, and saw a bunch of clowns bump into each other, making them crash. "Fucking idiots!" yelled Clownner. McClown Man was now right beside us. Before we could react, he kicked us. I almost crashed, but luckily I didn't. I zoomed back onto the road. We were now approaching a town. I floured it by a few cars. I seemed to have lost the clown gang. There was a circus a few feet in front of us. We stopped the motorcycle, and ran to it. Me and Clownner ran into a a stadium where a clown was preforming a show juggling fire bottles. We ran into the crowd. "Everyone run! Call the cops!" I shouted. The crowd looked at us confused. Moments later, the motorcycle gang was in the show. They were zooming around the clown, surrounding him. The crowd thought it was a part of the act. That is, until McClown Man drew out a gun, and shot the ceiling. The bullet also managed to hit a balloon, so it made the pop extra loud. "Listen up, maggots! Help me find these piece of shit gay lovers called 'The Gay Gonads' and the 'Gay-ass Fucking Rainbow', and I'll let you all free!" he demanded. The crowd started to scream. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" McClown Man shouted. The crowd went silent, and so were McClown Man's minions, who just stood there. "Now... help me find them, or else. Where are they at?" he asked the crowd. Clownner stood up, and shouted. "We're over here, bitch!" The crowd all looked at us. "...come down here now." McClown Man ordered. "What the fuck are you doing?" I whispered. "Shhh!" he replied back. "Put your hands up as you walk down." McClown Man demanded. We walked down the steps with our hands up. We were on the show ground now. We stood in front of McClown Man, silent. He cocked his gun and pointed it at our faces. "Are you read for a rematch... with me?" he whispered. I swallowed hard. Before we could answer, the heroic sound went through my ears. "Freeze!" The police were here. McClown's minions surrendered. But he wasn't having it. McClown Man grabbed a hold of me, and pointed a gun to my head. "Not so fast, racist pigs!" McClown Man threatened. Clownner just stood there speechless. "Let go of the boy!" a cop demanded. "Make me you son of a bitch!" McClown Man shouted. I was sweating bullets. McClown Man put his hand over my mouth, and put his finger on the trigger. I was parallelized with fear. Except I wasn't, because I got my right fist, and punched him in the balls. He fell to the ground, dropping his gun. The crowd erupted with cheering. The cops were now on the show floor, and they arrested Macho McClown Man. And me and Clownner. We were thrown into the back of a police car, and we were on our way to the station. There was a warrant out for our arrests, probably due to the first cop chase. As we were driving to the station, a clown car zoomed by, way over the speed limit. The cop chuckled, then said. "Buckle, boys. We're goin' on another high speed chase!" Category:Clowns Category:Law Inforcement Category:Weapons Category:Vehicles Category:Swearing